I’m not one to prepare for holidays early (except for Christmas, my most favorite; I start prepping mid October and will Fa-La-La-La you to death) and now that it’s officially Pumpkin Spice Season, I think it’s perfectly fine to discuss Halloween in the Olden Days – not super olden, more recent olden, when I was a kid.)
In my whole trick or treating life, I was never a character or something like a Rubik’s cube. All I wanted was something fairy princess like, jewelry and make up. Also a tiara. One year I won a contest for the fairy princess costume my mom made me: so much tulle with silver fringe, a beautiful tiara, rhinestone dangly earrings and yes, make up. Best Day Ever.
One year I was a belly dancer and a freaking cold front came through and I was forced to wear my coat (I unzipped it as soon as I was out of sight). It was an unfortunate situation; I’m still salty about it.
We all know that with trick or treating comes candy. It’s literally the point of trick or treating. I had very strong opinions on Best, Acceptable and Terrible Candy, categorized as follows:
*List Is Not Comprehensive*
Best:
- Reese’s anything
- Snickers
- Candy Corn
- Kit Kat
- Smarties
- Wax Lips filled with the sweet, sweet nectar and harmful Red Dye
- Hershey’s miniatures (but not Special Dark)
- Payday
Acceptable:
- M&M’s (great for trading)
- Those off brand orange and black wax paper wrapped faux peanut butter things
- Hershey’s Kisses
- Lifesavers
- Gum (also a great trade item)
- Milky Way
- Bit O’ Honey
Terrible:
- Tootsie Rolls: they always looked like poo to me; I refused to even try them
- Unwrapped candy (was not allowed to eat it)
- APPLES (the nerve!!)
- Black Licorice Anything
- Lollipops: impossible to trade, like having counterfeit money
And now for the Best In Show/Worst In Show:
BEST: The families that handed out full size anything.
WORST: A dentist persisted in handing out toothbrushes every year. Nice people but way off base when it came to Halloween. We had to thank everyone, regardless of the loot. I did always say thank you but didn’t mean it in my heart and had zero guilt over my faked gratitude.
Once Trick or Treating ended, we were allowed to stay up unbelievably late and do a big trade with the neighborhood kids and eat basically all the candy we wanted to. I always went to school the next day with a sugar hangover and low spirits because the party was literally over and had stayed up 10 hours past bedtime and was cranky all day.
Also:
After October 31, our loot was stored on top of the fridge and we could have a couple of pieces a day (but not within an hour of dinner).
I’m no math magician but can definitively say the Mom Tax is real because my loot level dropped much faster than I was consuming and once I caught Marsha with her head in the laundry room, M&M’s in her cheeks puffed out like a hamster’s and she tried to pass it off as a cracker. She reeked of chocolate and it was also within an hour of dinner.
The End
Driving in Reverse 